Without Him
by emxfilesx
Summary: This story takes place after Requiem (season 7 finale) from Dana Scully's point of view and her inner thoughts as she misses Fox Mulder and comes to terms with being pregnant with what could possibly be his child. Flashbacks to her struggle with IVF and the growing romantic relationship between her and her partner... all that good stuff Chris Carter left out.
This story takes place after Requiem (season 7 finale) from Scully's point of view and her inner thoughts as she misses Mulder and comes to terms with being pregnant with what could possibly be his child.

She felt empty, lost, and alone. Fox Mulder had been abducted, leaving no trace, nothing to give them hope of recovering him. Dana knew she wouldn't stop looking, even after his case was forgotten and left to gather dust among the many unsolved x files, she would never give up. In the few days after his disappearance, Dana's world had been turned upside down. She had been admitted to the hospital after falling ill and collapsing, only to find out she was pregnant by some unexplained miracle. She had been left barren after her own abduction and as a doctor she knew the facts and the truths, but as a woman she couldn't let herself believe them. She had scheduled doctor appointments and tests, doing everything she could in hopes to conceive, but with no luck. Now, she stayed in the hospital for a few days having tests run over and over as she laid in bed, the world around her blurring and not making much sense. She half expected to see Mulder stroll through the door whenever it opened, a huge smile on his face, willing as always to take her hand and give her a soft kiss on the cheek. Assistant Director Skinner was the only one who had come to visit her and she had told him her secret, requesting it remain that way. He had witnessed Mulder being taken, and could not deny what Scully and Mulder had tried so hard to prove over the past 8 years. He was left dumbfounded, at war with whether to fight to prove the truth or lie and protect Mulder, Scully, and himself from ridicule and termination from the FBI.

Dana went home from the hospital and returned to work to find Mulder's office being torn apart. She walked the halls of the FBI, feeling empty without her partner. People whispered about her and Mulder, pretending not the stare at her. Some days after work, she took solace in Mulder's apartment. It smelled like him and was left as it always was, ready to welcome him back at any point. She would curl up on his bed and cry sometimes, letting her guard down that she willed herself to maintain at work. She was glad to be back working, it kept her mind off things and she was able to work on Mulder's case with "appropriate" resources.

Dana had returned to find they had already replaced Mulder with an Agent John Dogget who was supposedly in charge of finding Mulder and assisting her in the x files. However, days turned to weeks and then months and talk of Mulder's abduction became less and less frequent until it stopped all together. Mulder had been a joke to most of the people working at the FBI, but he had never let it get to him – for that she respected him greatly. Dana knew what it was like to be the outcast; she was in the boys club partnered with someone who's theories often defied science and reality all together. She worked hard, building walls and strength, never letting anyone get to her – especially Dogget. She had cracked in the beginning, however, when Dogget had accused her of never really knowing Mulder. He had gone on to tell her Mulder often "confided" in other women besides herself around the office. She had thrown water at him and stormed off, beyond fuming. She knew he was only doing his job and examining all sides of the case, but she knew her partner and she knew what had happened to him. The FBI was wasting their time with a manhunt and wrong accusations.

Throughout the months of Mulder's absence, Dana eventually warmed up to Dogget, figuring that she had to make the best of the situation. She didn't fully trust him yet but she knew he would protect her and she him – that's what partners did. Dogget was different. He was at times more skeptical than she herself was with Mulder. He had a harder exterior than Mulder too, and didn't joke much. Dana missed Mulder's playful attitude and they way they would banter over cases, playing Watson and Sherlock. Now with Dogget, Dana often found herself arguing from Mulder's point of view on cases, surprising them both. If only Mulder had been there to see that. She was sure he wouldn't let her live it down if he ever found out. Dogget was respectful of her and seemed to care about her well-being. He often looked at her with concern when he could tell she was holding back the tears brought on by Mulder's absence.

As the months dragged, Scully went through the motions of every day, solving cases with Agent Dogett, arguing with Kersh, and confiding in Skinner. During whatever free time she got, she would meet with The Gunmen to work on searching for Mulder. They had some small breakthroughs, but often didn't get further than the day before. He was out there somewhere and she had to find him.

Tonight, she sat in her apartment in the silence, looking out her window absentmindedly. She looked at the night sky through the haze of the city. Mulder at once told her that the light from the starts was millions of years old but still touched them on Earth. Her thoughts would often drift back to months before Mulder's abduction; she and Mulder had grown closer, their relationship developing into something more than a friendship or partnership. They had never but a label on what they were, but it felt natural, easy, not forced at all. Most nights after work they would relax at one of their apartments, watching movies Mulder knew all the lines to, sometimes just talking until the wee hours of the morning, falling asleep, and sometimes they would even make love after hard days where they needed each other to break out of the darkness. She would wake up to find his arms around her, snoring softly in her ear. She would look at his face, memorizing it. She hadn't let her self feel this way in such a long time for fear of showing her weaknesses, but with Mulder it was different. He knew her. Even she couldn't hide her feeling from him most of the time and he would often just comfort her by being there or resting his hand on the small of her back. She thought of times when they stayed up laughing and kissing, just enjoying each other. They kept their relationship professional in the office, not wanting to give anyone more reason to talk or discredit them anymore than they did already. Every so often, Mulder would lightly brush against her or hold her hand briefly in the car after a particularly hard case. She knew how deep his feelings for her went but he respected her and never pushed himself on her. Skinner, she guessed, had something of an idea but let it go unspoken for which she was grateful. Once, a crew from Hollywood came to follow them around for an up coming movie "loosely" based on their characters. The movie was ridiculous and Mulder walked out somewhere towards the end, fed up. Skinner had found her and gave her a credit card and told her to go cheer Mulder up. She had found him sulking on the set and convinced him to take the rest of the night and have some fun. Mulder had linked his fingers in hers as they exited the set and they headed off for dinner. It was rare she and Mulder went out on dates. They enjoyed the casual company of each other in their apartments after a long day. That might they had gotten a little drunk at a fancy restaurant and made love that night for the second time.

Dana rested her hand on her stomach now. She was pregnant somehow with what she hoped was Mulder's baby but was scared to face the possibilities it wasn't. She thought back to the time she asked him to be her sperm donor in her attempts to get pregnant after Mulder had reveled to her that he had found her ova in a secret FBI storage room. He said they got them checked and they we're viable but when she went for a second opinion, he doctor gave her hope. Her doctor told her he could find her a donor but she knew the only person she could think of to become a father to her child would be Mulder. She didn't know how to ask him and had spent the night tossing and turning. Finally she got up somewhere in the early morning, dressing quickly, she drove to Mulder's apartment. She knocked on the door, biting her lip and trying to organize her thoughts and slow her heartbeat. Mulder had opened the door sleepily, surprised to see her standing there. He invited her in and she sat nervously on the edge of his couch, fiddling with her jacket. Mulder sat next her and put his arm around her, concerned. She took a deep breath and started telling him about how she went to the doctors and how he had said there might be a possibility with IVF. Mulder had stayed quiet as she rambled on, just listening to her, a hand on her back…

"Mulder?" she had asked, unable to met his eyes. "I um… Doctor Parenti offered to find me a donor but… Mulder… I want it to be you…"

"Scully…" He started to answer.

Worried, she had sprung up off the couch before he could answer and took a few steps towards the door.

"I know it's a lot to ask and you'll need time to think about it, but Mulder I can't imagine asking anyone else…"

Mulder got up and placed his hands on her shoulders. She didn't look up at him. She couldn't. With a finger, he had raised her chin so she was forced to meet his eyes. She gave him a small, timid smile. She knew he saw the worry, hope, and love there. He lightly kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger there, comforting her.

"Dana…" he broke the silence.

"Just… Mulder don't answer yet... just think about it" she whispered.

"Ok" was all he said, hugging her tightly to him.

Her racing heart slowed and they stayed like that for what seemed like eternity. She broke the embrace first, smiling softly up at him. He kissed her cheek and she left and drove back to her apartment. She had called in sick the next day, figuring there was no way she could possibly concentrate at the office. She had needed some space to gather her thoughts. Around lunchtime, she heard a soft tap on her door. She got up, and taking a deep breath she opened it to find Mulder standing there. She had welcomed him in, mentally preparing herself for the worst. She was so sure he would say no. She had clenched her teeth and fought back the tears; sure that he wouldn't do it. But, to her surprise, he had said yes. She was overcome with a happiness that she had never felt before and tears sprang to her eyes, making them glisten. He took her in to his arms and they hugged for awhile before he left and she called her doctor with the news.

From there, she set up the appointments for them and went through the various processes. Unfortunately, the procedure didn't work and she had come home to tell Mulder. He had held her for a long time letting her cry into him. He whispered to her again that he loved her and kissed her ever so softly. She had broken down, sobbing, gripping him tightly, letting all her pent up emotions out as she clung to him. They fell asleep like that, him holding her as close to him as possible.

Now, Dana hugged her arms around herself. She felt cold now that he wasn't here. She hardly admitted it to herself but she needed him to hold her now. She was strong and independent, but she was human too and sometimes she forgot how much she did need him and now in his absence, it seemed to crush her.

A few nights before his abduction, she had felt sick, which she now guessed was from her pregnancy. He had held her in the same way all night, keeping her warm and giving her gentle kisses on her cheek. He had told her he didn't want to lose her and she then realized she couldn't bare to lose him either. Unfortunately, just that had happened. He had gone to investigate the spaceship without her in an effort to keep her safe, but it was him they wanted. And now here she was. Alone.

Dana felt her baby move inside her, breaking her thoughts. _God let it be Mulder's_ she thought. They had made love a few times in the weeks before their fated trip back to where their first case together was. They had stopped being careful after the IVF treatments, convinced that was her last chance. Somehow, could she have still gotten pregnant? Was Doctor Parenti not who he claimed? She didn't know what to believe. There were too many possibilities, too much to fear.

There was a date…one that fit her pregnancy that gave her a glimmer of hope that this miracle child could be Mulder's. She was warmed by this memory, this possibility. She remembered the night, every small detail, now.

– A flashback to the possible conception of baby William told from Dana's viewpoint –

There were a few soft rhythmic taps on my apartment door, alerting me that Mulder had arrived. On a spur of the moment, I decided to make Mulder dinner, usually we would just sit and relax in front of the television but with everything that had come to pass; the death of his mother, the stain on the x-files, the failure of the IVF, and some unbelievably taxing cases; it seemed like the thing to do. I took a steading breath and opened to door. Mulder stood there, handsome as always, holding up a bottle of wine and a small bouquet of flowers.

"I um hope you like red?" he grinned.

I laughed, "Hey! Yes, thank you," and welcomed him inside.

He shrugged his jacket off and hung it up. He wore a mossy green sweater that accentuated his hazel eyes. And fit him just right.

"Does this mean I'm gonna have to up my game, Scully?" he laughed when he saw the table.

I had made us pasta and a salad and decided to break out some candles I'd had stored away. It was a bit on the romantic side, but we needed it. We needed a night to ourselves where we didn't talk cases or family or aliens.

I laughed and rolled my eyes, taking the wine and pouring us both healthy glasses. We sat, illuminated by the warm glow of the candles and ate, laughing about various things, taking about our pasts. Soon, the bottle of wine was empty and we were sitting on the couch, resting on each other feeling the warmth from our bodies and the merlot. The night grew late and we sat in a comfortable silence, Mulder's arm had found its way around my shoulders and my head rested on his chest, and his chin on my head. I felt at peace and happy. We stayed like that for awhile, neither wanting to move. I felt my eyes getting heavy, but I didn't want to sleep just yet, I got up and put on a pot of coffee. Mulder followed me to the kitchen and helped clear off the table. As I washed the dishes, he dried them and made small talk. When they were done, I turned to check to coffee and Mulder came up behind me. I could feel his body almost touching mine so I turned to face him. He linked his fingers in mine and moved closer so he was pressed up against me, my back against the counter top. I blushed and adverted his eyes. He lifted my chin in the way I love and brushed a stand of hair from my cheek. My eyes locked with his. I felt my heartbeat quicken. He was looking at me with such an intensity, such a warmth that only he could exhume. He brought his face closer to mine slowly until his forehead rested against mine and our noses brushed. My eyes closed and my lips parted slightly as I felt his warm breath on my face. I reached up, putting my hand on the back on his neck, urging him toward me. I needed him. I felt the heat and the electricity between us. I was usually never the first to initiate these things but tonight was different somehow. Slowly, he slid his nose up my cheek and he met my lips with his gently kissing me. He slid his arms around me and deepened our kiss, our lips parting and our mouths working together. I sighed against his mouth as the need for him grew. Without warning, Mulder picked me up so I was sitting on the counter. He rested his forehead against mine, his breath coming a bit fast. I tilted my head back a little, urging him to kiss me again. Instead, he cupped my face in his hands and stared into my eyes, our gaze even. Ever so softly he kissed my forehead, then my left cheek, followed by my right. He brought his face back from mine again for a moment before he met my lips with his again first nice and delicate and then with a passion I had never felt before. One that was not reserved or held back in any way. Through our relationship – whatever it was – we had a love between us, one that took many forms and covered a multitude of boundaries. When we had sex we had fun, laughing and kissing. It was just us. But this kiss spoke to something deeper than anything I had ever felt – a bond and a connection forged over these 7 years that couldn't even begin to be described. I felt my heart pull and a small tear escaped my eye and fell on Mulder's face. He drew back, looking concerned. All the moments, all the impossible events, the pain, the happiness, everything was suddenly there and it had swirled around me. But one thing had become even clearer in that instant. Him. Fox Mulder. He was there. He was mine. He held a love for me that I didn't even know was possible and my heart matched it in that instant. I had told him I loved him only a few times, enough to count on one hand but this feeling now was one that the words "I love you" couldn't even begin to cover. I was breathless, my eyes welling slightly.

"…Dana?" came Mulder's voice.

My face must have been something with all the emotions I could feel playing across it. In an answer, another tear escaped my eye and I pulled him to me hard, kissing him, matching his passion with my own. I seemed to radiate out of me to him. He must have felt it to because he was pulling me close to him, seemingly not able to get there fast enough. I wrapped my arms around his neck and linked my ankles around his waist. He lifted me up, off the counter, my head now above his, I cupped his face in my hand and crushed my mouth in to his, running my fingers into his hair, looking down in to is warm eyes. He brought us back to my bedroom where he put me down so I stood in front of him, never breaking his kiss. That night we made love to each other in the most passionate and tender way we ever had, letting the love we felt for each other come to the surface. He kissed every inch of me with feather-light lips. Our names escaping each other's mouths in gasps and whispers. It was the kind of sex that makes you cry and the kind of love that you only hear about. We fell asleep holding each other, tangled in blankets. I was his Scully, he was my Mulder, not one without the other.

back to present –

Now, as she sat, lost in the thoughts of the past, Dana prayed that she found Mulder somehow, that they could be together again.


End file.
